How I Tried Waking Up at 5 AM Like a Monk and Became a Sleep-Deprived Goblin Instead

August 2, 2025
by KAUSTUBH
2 min read
272 Comments

You know how all those YouTube productivity gurus say,”Wake up at 5 AM and you’ll conquer the world!”They say the greats — Steve Jobs, Tim Cook, your mom’s nosy neighbor — all rise before the sun to meditate, exercise, drink kale smoothies, and achieve enlightenment.

So naturally, I thought…“Why not me?”(Why not be a disciplined monk trapped in the body of a chronic snooze-button abuser?)

Day 1: The Optimist AwakensI set 4 alarms — 4:50, 4:55, 5:00, and 5:01 AM.I even wrote a sticky note on my wall that said:> “Discipline is choosing between what you want now and what you want most.”

Turns out what I wanted most was… sleep.I woke up at 5:00, stared at the ceiling, and immediately questioned all my life choices.Did I conquer the world?No.I conquered a packet of biscuits at 5:07 AM and then went back to bed like a Victorian ghost.

Day 3: The Body Strikes BackI was starting to function like a badly coded NPC.I forgot the word for “spoon.”I tried brushing my teeth with facewash.I attempted to make oats, but somehow ended up making an existential crisis.My brain was screaming:> “Buddy, we were promised REM sleep. What is this betrayal?!”

Day 5: I See the Light (Because It’s Literally Sunrise)I finally stayed awake the whole morning.Did I meditate?No.I watched reels of people pretending to wake up at 5 AM while I was actually suffering through it.The irony hit me harder than my 5:01 alarm.

The 5 AM Fantasy vs RealityFantasy RealitySunrise jog in nature Tripping over a chair in the darkCalm journaling Doodling a crying potatoFresh lemon water Leftover chai from last nightDeep work session Googling “how to stop yawning aggressively”

The Verdict: Is Waking Up Early Worth It?Let’s be real.Waking up early is great if you sleep early, eat clean, and don’t have the nocturnal habits of a raccoon with Wi-Fi. But if you’re like me — fueled by memes, Maggi, and late-night overthinking — waking up at 5 AM just turns you into a sleepy philosopher who questions the meaning of time.

So what now?I’ve settled for a compromise:Wake up at 7:30 AM,feel slightly guilty,and call it “gentle productivity.”I still haven’t conquered the world.But I’ve conquered the art of sleeping in just enough to stay sane —And sometimes, that’s the real enlightenment.

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KAUSTUBH

Just chilling with the net

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